May 5, 2009
I am sitting in my room on a rain morning, my tooth hurting and no health insurance. Hey, it's all good.
Enjoy my "letter"
-- my ‘letter’--
Not often do I actually sit down and compose a letter, so this must be pretty important. I mean, why else would I take the time and trouble to arrange my thoughts just so on this paper to be the most concise, the most understandable, the most followable (I love this word!) expression of my inner feelings and thoughts.
Whew! Now, that was pretty superfluous. I do, however, have so much respect and love for the people that I address this letter to that I need to make sure you understand exactly the what and why of the theme of this letter.
I cherish my relationship with you, respect who you are as a person, and wish to create a more real relationship with you. And to do that I must be truthful to you and I. And this is precisely the theme of this letter. To be honest and truthful to you, to open up and show you a little of the real me.
It is a standing joke among some circles that I am a “man of mystery”, as the saying goes. That is because I did not want you, for a myriad of reasons, which I will explain in this letter, to know the inner me, the person that is the real me, and yearns to be free to live in this world. So I felt I had to close you off, lest something slip out.
I am not the person that I have been presenting to the world. For most of my life I have not been allowed, either by external control or internal control, to freely express and live who I am. I have lived in fear of rejection, disapproval and abuse. I have lived with frustration, self-loathing and guilt. I have been carefully shaped to believe that my real self is an abomination, an anomaly, some thing to be purged and “saved” from. I have tried so hard to prove to you and me that I am a regular guy, a cool dude.
But, no matter how hard I try, I just can not believe that who I am is not real, is not the true way for me to be and live, no matter what some book says or what some “authority” asserts or what some law allows. I can no longer live a lie. I can no longer look at my self and try to make my self believe that I am some one I am not.
And I KNOW that I am a decent person, that I am not a freak -- Not in the eyes of the Divine and to those who truly love me. I know that I make a positive difference in the world, that my life has meaning and purpose. I am creative, curious, intelligent. Some people actually say that I am a nice person and that they are attracted to my spirit, so that’s pretty cool, huh?
And, no matter if I present my mask to you or the real me to you, I am the same person. I am just afraid that everyone will automatically think that I am suddenly soo different. That I’ve changed so much – “what’s happened to you?” The outside is so important to people, a lot of us never get past it in our relationships with others. How you look is who you are.
But you are not that way, or this letter would make no sense to you whatever, and there would be no point in sending this to you. And I respect you way more than that. And so I labor to sculpt this lengthy explanation so that you may have a perspective in which to assimilate the substance of this letter. And you know, after reading this over, what I have written so far is way more than a lot of you know about me already! I could stop now and be ahead of the game!
My mind and spirit tell me that I am one way, and my body presents to others that I am the other way. My mind and spirit tell me that I am female, and have always been, as long as I can remember. But my body is a constant reminder of the incongruity in my life, this wrenching divide of the parts of my self that keep me from being whole. And one thing I have been striving to be all my life (and so I find as I live this life most people have been) is to be whole, to be real, to be “who I am”.
And I have really tried - I mean labored and sweated - to make my mind and spirit accept my physical self, but it just not going to work.
And of all the fates, I happen to be born into a culture that so adamantly clutches onto the binary code of just about everything in life except The Divine which just HAS to be male! And sex is so powerful in this culture, it pervades so much of this culture – not sensuality, the simple and open use of all our senses to enjoy the world and each other, and celebrating relationships on a physical as well as spiritual level – but sexuality, the search to be stimulated in a physical, genital sense. Combine the three (binary system, a male deity and obsession with sex) and I, in the process of transitioning (especially giving up my “male” privilege and becoming a “second class” person), am entirely screwed!
And yes, I am in transition- in physical transition from male to female.
Okay, all you guys, you can turn your head, spit on the ground and make the sign of the cross – “ya mean ya gonna cut em off?!” You ladies can turn to each other and go “eew!” and shake your heads – “there goes another good one”. I have heard both said so many times in my life in so many different circles of people.
Either that or you are in shock. I am sorry if you are, I know it is hard to wrap your head around. It has taken me years to get to this point of committing to make my self whole, and you are just hearing it for the first time.
You have to know that transitioning is not something I want to do – it is not just one of those rebellious acts. It is a necessity, like breathing. I would never ask to be treated the way I am, to be shunned and berated and humiliated the way I am. I would never want to spend just about every cent I have to effect this monumental change in my physical self. And I would not wish this journey on anyone. It is so, so hard. The shit never lets up. Every day.
But you know, it’s funny – I really don’t mind the hardship. Not most of the time. Of course I have my bad, bad days – but I also have days that are ecstasy. And I am starting to learn what it is to be truly happy and comfortable with my self. I always wondered what that was like. I am becoming so much more real to my self and to those around me. It feels good.
I do love you and care for you sooo much. And I truly do hope that our relationship can continue, for I believe we could learn the joys of intimately connecting with another human being. I want this. Do You?